I can't say I was depressed before college, and so I was unprepared to recognize or deal with this change. In an effort to assimilate into a community, I joined the swing dancing community in West Michigan (an activity from my undergraduate). Something just didn't feel right though, and I didn't make connections the way I had in undergraduate. The starkest contrast between grad school and undergraduate was my daily interactions with friends, classmates, and peers contrasted with my new office: where I might see two people daily. Like anyone who has dealt with depression knows, the effort to reach out - even to join group coffee runs - began to be sapped away. As summer 2017 came and went, the winter blues had come to stay.
Perhaps one of the only things that kept me above the surface was fostering greyhounds. For a grad student, it matched with my irregular travel schedule, as each was a commitment of a few weeks. I fostered two more, to make five total, in fall 2017. This also kept me outside, exploring the parks around me.
I had a bird feeder on my porch, and for much of the time I spent exhausted on my couch that fall and winter, I could look outside and see woodpeckers, cardinals, and chickadees. I also had a very noisy nest of house sparrows living in the roof right next to my bedroom.
Something else changed too over that winter. In February 2018, I quit drinking - a habit that had become destructive and would isolate me to the couch or my floor, alone - and after a year of in-person therapy I sought medical help from the University psychiatry office.
It took a few months to get the dosing right, but in April my mood - plagued before by dramatic swings (yes, I kept the data!) - dramatically improved and stabilized. Thankfully, this improvement came a week before my MS defense. I still credit my seeking help with giving me enough willpower to write/finish my MS thesis in the first place.
Like a case of bad congestion, after I started seeing improvements suddenly the woods would be full of light and flitting birds and songs. I moved to Waterloo to begin my PhD. I'm still pursuing the same course of study, in the earth and natural sciences. Fortunately, my work offers the chances to travel and see little details in rocks, trees, and landscapes. I suppose birding fits naturally into this way of seeing the world.
I've since adopted a rescue greyhound, who is very tolerant of my habit of stopping on walks to just listen. Begrudgingly, we're outside all year round, but bundled up. I'm taking Vitamin D too in the winter, but birding gives one more interesting reason to enjoy (if only a little) the outdoors in freezing temperatures.
It's just been a year since starting medication and quitting drinking. I'm again in a new place, and new communities, but it's so much better than last time. Of course, this speaks volumes of my new lab group, and academic adviser, and my canine companion. I find myself just as passionate about my research, and I've made tremendous progress (so I'm told) in just two terms. But the birding itch now has to be scratched. As the weather warms and sun sets later, I'm outside for a good portion of the mornings and evenings, and my thoughts are free to roam between my research, what flowers to plant this spring, and naming the bird songs that ring through the neighborhood woodlot. I can't help but find it ironic that even my new hobby is all about science, as contributions of photos and observations to eBird represent one of the world's largest citizen science projects.
I look forward to sharing more parts of my story. Happy birding! 🐦😊
